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holidaze
December 19, 2008 - 9:32 a.m.

It is not unusual for me to experience moments or hours or even days in my life of cloudiness, anxiety and fear and I find it most curious when I can react in those moments by taking a step back and simply witnessing them without acting. In this past week, I had a day or so of being confronted with the obstacle of a bad attitude, feeling victimized by the thoughtlessness of others, the demands of my responsibilities and the negative outlook of having ego attachment.

Somehow, I recognized the false reality of existing in this mindset and took a step back to detach from what I believed I was experiencing and just watch as the transience unfolded. My irritation at emotions of others subsided by simply externalizing it and recognizing that I had choice in how I managed this. It’s amusing when you let the ego drive and in doing so, while everyone in the world is just living their lives, you take their response to you so personally. Once you recognize this and alter your perception in such a way as to relinquish yourself as the centre of the universe, it’s amazing how simply fear, anxiety and anger just melt away.

On the day that I was having hanging with my over-inflated ego, I found that the anger had built to such a state that there was little that anyone could have said or done that I wouldn’t have taken on as an affront. And the grittiness grew as the day went on – the more that I perceived in that manner, the more inclined I was to believe it was true. At the end of the day, I was in a state of what I like to call full blown “single mom rage”. It was all just too much and I felt like I was going to explode if I didn’t release it somehow. When I’m in that frame of mind, I literally have fantasies of someone confronting me in such an unforgivable way such as trying to take my bag or threatening me somehow, that I actually have the right to punch them in the face. Fortunately, no one did that and no innocent but belligerent assholes were harmed in the unfolding of my crappy day.

By the end of the day, I had become aware that the only thing that was different in the movie of my life was how I was mentally processing it and I realized that I needed an attitude adjustment. Just that awareness was enough to get me to re-evaluate my interactions over the course of the day and remove the perception that anything was a personal attack on me. I had a glass of wine and went to bed and gratefully, arose the next day to find that I’d return to my more positive self and had the let the victim I had been the day before skulk off to her darker recesses to lick her wounds.

I imagine the holidays bring this experience to many out there as they run around in traffic, motorized and otherwise, and work against the deadlines of the season in their work and in their seasonal preparations. I am truly lucky that I caught myself and now get the undisputable luxury of getting to play out the rest of my holidays with joy and the anticipation of all the good.

Merry Christmas to everyone and you may you detach from the flurry of the holiday madness enough to count your blessings. And have a glass of wine. It rocks!

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